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Journal

I am writing in this color today because its Feb 25, 2010 and its high time the weather warmed up down here so we can all jump in the turquoise water... sheesh enough if enough! Don't you think?!!

I just got home from a great trip to Chicago. It was perfect in every way. I started last Weds and got a late start.... I drove till midnight and crashed in Alabama somewhere... Athens I think. Then took my time and spent the whole day in Nashville visiting friends. I saw my good friend Lee Rath who works in Franklin at the cutest little restaurant, Pucketts Grocery. Lee has traded in her horses for harleys, hmmmm thats a song right there. When I lived there we worked together and rode together and her then husband Scott, recorded with me a few times. Now her kids are all grown up and educated, and her and Scott parted ways and she is soo happy and beautiful it gives me hope that I can be happy and beautiful too! It was great to see her and catch up. Plus she put in a good word for me for a gig at Pucketts which would be awesome to add to my mini tour route!

Then I also saw a girl band rival from the old days, Kristin Massey~! What a treat! We reconnected on facebook a while ago and she invited me to catch up next time thru Nashville so I couldn't resist! Now I haven't seen her in 25 years. This is crazy I know... but I am loving it! She looks the same, beautiful, skinny blond and still playing music like me (Except for the skinny part!)! She and her partner have a beautiful home there and they played me some of their music which was uber fantastic. So nice to spend time with another female musician, singer/songwriter. We both come from Chicago. She and her sisters had some big success with their band Tami Show, they did very well. It was a unique meeting, reminiscing about the state of the music biz from an 80s female perspective.... :) Great to see her. I have made a new friend on my little tour. Look forward to spending more time with her and doing some music together.

While I was there at the Foaming Monkey, or Frothy Spunky Thing, sitting with Kristin I got a call from my friend Marlaise. there had been an accident at home involving my cat Max. Sad to say that Max had been caught in her fan belt and came out badly. We decided to put him out, so that happened... Marlaise was torn up and in pieces about it, I told her not to worry so much. I was grateful that he didn't grow old and get sick, as I had just gone thru all that with my dog. I also told her that I was so glad that I was not there, and thankful that she went thru it and not me! I definitely couldn't handle something like that happening to me. Thank you God that it was not my car. Greg and Marlaise took him home and buried him next to fudge. I will miss him, I do already.

Of course my kid has radar and called me right after Marlaise, so I had to tell her... she went to pieces. It took her several days to pull it together and I am thankful too that I was out of town for that as well. God you are so good to me!

On with the show... I am laughing so hard because its just fun. Late start again and stopped around midnight in Lafayette IN. Nice room. Then took my time getting into Chicago. I got there around noon and just drove to the zoo. It was Beautiful day, sunny and bright, but snow covered everything. I found a free parking spot at the zoo and just got out and walked. My sis was getting her hair done down on Oak Street so I decided to take my time and walk down there. First I went thru the zoo. Loved the ape house! I watched a silverback gorilla lay out a burlap sac just like we would lay out at towel on the beach. Those of us watching were astounded that he took the time to meticulously spread out the cloth, even the corners. He covered the wood chip floor with the sack and then proceeded to lay down on it and take a nap. So cool. But sad too... conflicted about the zoo. Maybe they should go ahead and give them beds and TV and room service! Why not!

Another new exhibit (new to me) was the African rain forest thing... that was very cool. And my favorite thing was that conservatory. The hothouse in Lincoln Park... I took some beautiful pictures of the orchids I will post. As I walked around in the sun, I imagined what it would be like to live there, by the park and wake up to the sound of the zoo! That would be cool. Maybe someday!

So what I thought would be a few blocks from the zoo to Oak Street turned into a major deal, like miles and miles! I finally got there I think around 3:00 and parked my frozen blistered self in front of the fire at the Starbucks on Rush Street Next to Barneys. My sister kept calling me to come to the salon, but I wasn't going to budge until I was thawed and toasted. While I walked to Rush and Oak, I reminisced about what I had been thru in that very neighborhood in the 80s. Good God! Thats  a book and I will write it someday I promise. Lets just say it was nice to be back, alive and well and sober because I know lots of folks who didn't make it. God is so good to me. I am grateful. I started my waitress career in the division street area, I started partying there, and I felt like now I was seeing it in a whole new light. Just happy to be there at all. I walked past alot of places that I worked at or sang at and shook my head in disblief, but I own that, I did that! I think this was a coming home trip. Boy oh boy!

So I hooked up with Dede my sis and we grabbed a bite at Gibsons. Then it was like 6 o'clock and time to get to Lillys.

So I hate going to a gig with anyone. I need to do it on my own. When ever I go with someone things just get kooky. I need that space all to myself before I play. My sis means well, but its hard to get in the zone when you are enteraining someone else before you entertain... or maybe its just me but this time I lost my car keys before I went on. It was a big deal. But not really just something that wouldn't have happened if I was not with her. The last time I played in Chicago I went thru a similar thing, she was going to drive me, cause I had flown and not rented a car, and it just got all twisted up. Wierd things like all of the sudden a huge snowstorm popped up, and her windshield wipers stopped working, thank God tho, cause that was my chance to jump ship and get on the train where I can collect my thoughts and go thru my performance deal which is nothing, just leave me alone and don't talk to me for a little while and I am good to go.

Lillys is a dive bar on Lincoln Ave. I found this gig on Craigslist, and I have now played there 3 times. I like it. I am looking forward to doing it again. This time on Friday I had only 3 people come to see me! But they were VERY important to me! I am extremely grateful to them for taking the time to come and watch me chase my dreams! Those three people were my sister Dede, Mitch Michaels (radio guy) and Chip Altholz (recording guy and my ex-manager)!! So we have all reconnected on facebook. Thats freaky!

Mitch was the DJ at WLUP that started my career. He and the other powers that be picked me out of 1500 entries when they made the first Loop album back in 1980! OMG yes I did say 1980! That like changed my whole life! I had talked to Mitch on the phone a few days before I left for Chicago and was really looking forward to seeing him. I am so glad he came! He is great! What a voice he has, and he just goes and goes, he is awesome. I am eternally grateful for that album, which outsold the Rolling Stones Emotional Rescue at number ONE in Chicago in the summer of 1980. Turns out he got married 3 times and has five kids and grandkids and just has had a beautiful life its seems, he is a really good guy.

And Chip! He recorded the second Loop album in 1981 live at Chicagofest! OMG, yes we played out on Navy Pier, there is a picture of us in my gallery and on facebook. What you don't know is that these gigs were my first gigs ever! My very first gig was at the Uptown Theatre, a venue that seats 5000. It was crazy! I entered a radio contest and won. I was thinking "That was easy!" And now here I am 30 years later, and these guys are sitting at the bar at Lillys on Lincoln Avenue to see me at 7 pm. THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING TO SEE ME!

Miraculously I found my keys and we went out to dinner. It was awesome. I stayed at a great 4 star hotel I found on Priceline (I LOVE PRICELINE). Hotel Felix. Chip and Mitch helped me to get a nice upgrade, they are so sweet.

Saturday I stayed in my jammies and played guitar all day. Went and did my show and had several special guests show up. The show was fantastic, and Lilly was very happy. All was well and I made enough to get home (gas money)! Afterwards had dinner with Dede and my best friend Trish at Adobo.

Sunday and Monday I stayed in Lake Bludff and visited with my sister. It was beautiful. We had another storm, and the snow while uneventful to them was pure magic to me. The birds the next day complained about it too, but in the loudest harbinger of spring they told me that its coming. Especially the loons. Yo! I miss Da luns (said in the best ditka voice). You know it baby, spring is coming.

I forgot I have allergies and so next time I will not sleep with the dog in front of her fireplace~!

I cought a nasty cold, and had to hit the road with a sore throat and borderline fever. I called my friends in Nashville and said I would drive straight thru and not stop after all I just wanted to get to my own bed. I left at 9 am.

So I get to Nashville at 4pm ish... and I am listening to Wayne Dyer, "Excuses Be Gone". I love him and try to live that way all the time. So I am thinking I should drop off this cd I made especially for Paul Worley. I have avoided doing any serious business in Nashville cause I am scared. OK I AM A CHICKEN SHIT! BUT I HATE REJECTION! I stopped being a glutton for punishment about 7 years ago.... but so I am listening to Wayne and driving myself crazy so I say "OK, I am not waiting another 7 years, I am going to drop off this CD". I drive to his office, and of course they have moved... so I google them and call and get the new address... Its like getting close to 5 pm... I put the new address in my GPS deal, and pray my battery doesn't die... I put on a little make-up and find my way to the new office... I park my car and get out with the cd, and as I am approaching he opens the door and I run smack into him in the parking lot. For Rizzle. I am so lucky and I know it! Grateful!! Gorgeous God loves me sooooo much. I comment on my fortune, and he remembers me, hugs me. I give him the cd, and we exchanged a little small talk..... and thats it! I am beside myself with glee, going no more what ifs, no more second guessing, no more somedays, I am right there, so I gave it a shot!

I am so lucky. I forgot my copper colored cowboy boots when I left Chicago, I almost left them there, but I turned around and went back and got them. I went the absolutely right speed limit the whole way, and I ate at all the right places, got the right amounts of gas and took the perfect bathroom breaks all the way down, cleared the decks with my friends, and turned on my master self help guru at the perfect time to run smack into destiny! How does God do all that? His Wonders To Perform! AND MY WARDROBE MATCHED MY HOTEL ROOM AGAIN! How does he dooooo that?!

So my giddy self was wide awake and inspired all the way home. Once you get below Montgomery there is nothing but pine forest between you and the gulf. And my GPS took me thru the weirdest and wildest forest imagineable. I got off 65 at Goerginana, birthplace of Hank Williams. Alot of it isn't even GPSable, and it was cold. The deer were out in force. I have never hit a deer, and for some reason I was scared that I would that trip. Things were just going that well. My forest green Chrylser glided silently thru the pines beneath a navy moonlit cirrus sky...

On my quiet ride, the ghost of my best kitty max jumped into my lap and told me to slow down just as a herd of deer crossed my path. Thanks Maxie, I love you. You and my copper colored cowboy boots. I ought to have them bronzed and put them on your grave. Puss and Boots... oh come on now!

Today I write in bold red letters because its 2/15/10.

I went to the coolest party last night. I had the very good fortune of meeting and befriending a very special person. He is an artist, world renowned and exquisitely talented. His name is Nall. I was so thrilled to be included in his Valentines Day Party at his gallery in Fairhope, Alabama! His life is art. I love his works, they are brilliant and spectacular and very unique. Bright and shiny, delicate and fragile but put together in the most intentionally strong and earthy way. Its almost like he takes a mental photograph of everyday life and totally shatters it and reassembles it his way which is totally new and fresh and pretty. His studio is amazing. Filled with the most intriguing things, bits and pieces, strings and boxes, bones, feathers, disassembled picture frames, driftwood, broken glass, mosaic mirrors, just everything a genius would need or ever want to play with.

This artists space was bright, spotless, airy, and busy busy busy. Crammed with festive party favors, and red clad art lovers, art lovers friends, young and old. Three tables stacked with food are spread with beautiful flowers and interesting doo dads, like baby alligator heads and dental apparatus from man and beast. Boney skeletons dancing, tricylces with bright red parasols, roses, and lots of love suspended in the air and everywhere.

The best part was to watch Nall in action. He is the entertainer, as well as the entertainment. He ran the night like a three ring circus. I feel very blessed to have been a witness to his being. At home in his environment, he hosted a game of musical chairs for the costumed guests complete with three musicians, and scads of photographers, amateur as well as professional. A grand time. Truly fabulous to watch him play in his playground. I need to see that in my life just as much as we all need to see beautiful art in life. We need to see bright colors and shiny beautiful objects because they uplift us. We need to see life rearranged in a new and different way because it inspires us. I brought my daughter who is studying art, and she was amazed. She needed to be amazed. I brought my friend Marlaise too because she wanted to be amazed, and she was not disappointed. I knew it would be cool, but it was much cooler than I could have imagined. I knew that people like Nall existed, but to participate as his witness to musical chairs, and to his 3 costume and correlating persona changes was a rare treat indeed! Thanks for the invite! At the end of the evening I knew that I was a special trinket, a piece of something, like a chard of precious gem hand selected, coaxed and massaged, lovingly fed and personally imbued with fruity nectar and blissful treats,  bedecked, directed and finely set in a perfectly miraculous piece of art, by a master craftsman! DUDE!

Everyone understands that burning wood produces fire. But when fire feeds on fire, that is a rare condition that yields the greatest illumination. Two flames come together and yield light more magnificent than either could have given forth alone.
~ Deng Ming-Dao, "365 Tao"

"Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God." ACIM

Once in awhile you meet someone who inspires you, who pushes you to greater heights, who helps you to accomplish things you may never have been able to accomplish alone.

Nourish the spark.

Cherish the partnership.

Fan the flame.

Today is the 22 of Jan 1/22/10

I am writing and feeling in the pink today. Got up, coffee, played and sang worked on some new stuff. Feeling great. Took a walk, gathered my thoughts and here are some of those very things:

If I stay in the now, and don't worry about anything at all, I am free. I know one thing, that is I want to sing as long as a well as I am able. I know too that my personal gift (message) is that if I stay in the now, and "OPEN UP MY WINDOWS AND LET GODS LOVE FLOW THRU ME then all the rest will take care of itself.  I am so grateful that I am NOW AWARE that my job is SIMPLE.

I have also been pondering this; I hear a voice from behind and it says this is the way walk ye in it. OK thats paraphrased. Another version or similar text is, Seek me first and I will make plain your path. Both of these and there are more... suggest movement. I am still working on this, but I think any movement is good. If you are on a path it is a good thing. Cause if you are not, then you are not moving, and not seeking, not sharing, not growing. Another hint, all paths lead us to where we are meant to be, which I truly do believe is in the NOW> There is no one place that is any better than another. However, if you put God first by being his channel his vessel, then YOUR path (THIS IS confusing  FOR ME) will be made straight, clear, well defined.

The rest of my life is fantastic. Its a gorgeous day today. I made some awesome turkey chili yesterday here is the recipe:  

2 lbs ground turkey

2 packets of chili seasoning

2 large garlic cloves

1 large can of Rotel

1 8oz can of black beans

1 8oz can of corn (I use frozen and measure it in the empty black bean can.)

chopped cilantro

green onion chopped

grated fiesta blend cheese

lowfat sour creme

whole wheat tortillas

Brown the turkey and chopped garlic. Add chili seasoning, rotel, beans and corn. Simmer on low heat for 20 minutes.

Serve rolled in warm whole wheat tortillas garnished with chopped cilantro, green onion, sour cream and cheese!

Buenos Diaz!

I am heading up to the outlet mall (UH-OH) I need some new running shoes.

Music update: Studio stuff is going great. Today I am loving the Lancasters at Playground Recording Studio in Valparaiso. Really excited about what we've been up to. Its soul music... PERFECT! Tonight I am going to try to talk the kids into going to see Corky Siegel's Chamber Blues at the Conference Center.  I am going for sure... :)

Today is Saturday Nov 14th, 2009

I am feeling quite pink today! Its a good thing! I had coffee with Emily last night, my very grown up and happy 17 year old daughter. I was worried about letting her move out, and thought she would probably want to move back home eventually, but so far so good. I think there is no easy way to leave home when you do, I think that may be a song someday... "No Easy Way To Go" any whoooo, she is awesome. Happy and beautiful secure and feeling like a million bucks. I can relate with her, I think I remember feeling all powerful when I officially moved out of my mothers house way back when. I think too she will move back in, for periods of time thruout her life and thats all good. A very funny footnote: When I asked her what she was doing (on a friday night) she reported she was doing "her homework" ... go figure. :)

Been making home demos, I am locking myself up for at least 8 hours a day everyday and just playing and singing. I have a great new set of tunes... bla bla bla......Oh how mundane that gets after being stranded on a silent desert island for years it seems. Now its the new normal. Not a moment too soon. So my gift last night was new shoes for my kid, two pairs, and a caramel machiato and my gift today? Hmmmmm I think I will pray for world peace. I am crazy grateful that everything is good. Thank you God. And you know what that means, time to hunker down and get ready...

Maybe thats why it is suggested that we not attach ourselves to judgement, for when we label something, when we stake our flag in the peak of whatever mountain of belief that we have climbed, we claim it in favor of our ego, and then of course the Universe will say, "Excuse me, but who in the hell do you think you are to have the audacity to claim you know anything about anything?"

Today is Tues, Nov 10, 2009

Its important to remember that underneath it all, we are good. There is no life that is not good. All life is good at its lowest common denominator. Success is living a life that is uncluttered by obstacles to that goodness. Herein lies faith. You must have faith because underneath it all, the fear, greed, lust, hunger, pain, sorrow, insecurity when you take away all the pollution that comes from man you are left with that lowest common denominator, life which is good. Life which is what we really are.

So I am remembering that today and I am betting on it. I am passing that on as a gift to anyone who reads this post. Know that you are good underneath it all, the very essence of you cannot be anything but good. Its how we come into this world and its how we leave. It is the spark of life.

When you find yourself in a dilemna, just know in your heart that its going to work out for the better. It has to. That is the truth! Any other conclusion is nonsense! Be Happy!

So I am writing a heck of alot! Another new one came to me in the morning and I stayed with it in my head in the predawn hours a few days ago and wrote it. I got up and got a pen and paper, and that was my gift. Its very good. Its a winner. I love it! I am grateful.

Its not my imagination, its hard to record these days! I guess I took it for granted, or maybe I was just a better recording artist when I made the last cd. It seemed pretty effortless. Of course I was working with the best of the best, and now that I think of it, I had to go thru 3 different studios to get what I really was looking for and I had to trash a bunch of work that was paid for, so I guess now that I think of it I am on par.... :)

Whew! I was getting concerned! I love my new songs soo much. And technology and sounds are so much better now than the last cd. But I am still good with "Every Beat..." I did a good job on it and it still stands up. I am also blessed that it is still current as far as format, so its all good. This new one is way different. Much better written in my mind, and I think its more me directionally. It is not mainstream country. Its americana, blues and folk and pop. Just exactly where I want to be. I am loving it. I really believe its going to be way better than Every Beat, which is saying alot because that record kicked ass and got me tons and tons of work.

Of course my personal life is crazy. The kid moved out today, and in with a family in Fort Walton Beach. High drama, which I hate, but its her life and she is 17. I am not going down any more dark and spooky rabbit holes filled with drama. I told her good luck, and I am here if and when she needs me. I pretty much left home at 15 after my father died. My house was nuts, my mom had 6 teenagers! Holy smokes I can't even imagine what that would be like! But anyway today was a hard day. I am emotionally exhausted and kinda sad. But like I said, underneath it all its all good! I believe she will be fine, they are nice folks and its good for her to get out and see the world and start to test her wings. I love her a ton and she knows it!  I am blessed. I am grateful.

Sunday Nov 8th 2009

Today is my 3rd b-day in sobriety! Such a nice day. I am blessed. Lets see, fridays big give was two tangerines and a 4 x 6 painting by my sis to my friend Marlaise, and then saturday was a painting by me with a saying from Wayne Dyers book, "Excuses Begone" , the saying was "Breathing in I calm my body, breathing out I smile" to my friend Lisa. Man I will tell you what, my friends are gonna clean up on this 29 day gift giving thing! I may have to alter the plan here and make an attempt to give to strangers.

Writing again, woke up with a really really nice one I have it pretty much done... rolling along I am again blessed with inspiration, friends and a nice family and a nice little spot on earth to live. All is well. God bless you everyone.

Purple for Weds, Nov 4, 2009

So today is day 2 of the 29 gifts giving challenge. I just gave little things today... I gave my daughter the car to drive to school, I walked to the grocery store and pharmacy, bought a green tote bag for my purchases, and really enjoyed my walk. It was really nice. The day was bright and sunny, crisp and dry... beautiful colors.

I gave my self a good long break from stress, and stayed focused on only today.  while I walked, I heard music in my head. Its a new song that I am worknig on.

I spent the day researching college for my girl, culling information on financing, communicating with her dad over emails about what he thinks, where she should go... 

I did my usual work out routine, and when Em came home I took her to pick up some job applications. Then I made a really nice dinner. Shells and italian sausage and a ceaser salad. Hot bread. I gave Emily my undivided attention during dinner, which takes practice, and I was reminded of all the nights I worked while she was growing up. I felt grateful to have this time to have dinner with her.

It was a great day until Greg came home. He is constantly stressed. I think I have figured out that we are going to have to split up. I can't deal with his stress. He blames me for adding to his stress. Not good, not healthy. Not fun. I would rather just move out and pick my own things to worry about (Nothing!). And so I have researched what it breaks down to, and I think its the right thing to do.

I would rather pay all my own bills and believe it or not its cheaper if we split up. I would rather pay my own bills and not have to deal with him at all.

added later: My last give of the day was a call to my friend Lisa. I felt that was an easy give. My gift was affirmation of her affirmations, encouragement and moral support.

Today is Tues, Oct 13, 2008

Yesterday I drove with Emily to FSU in Tallahassee. We met with a few professors in the music theory department and had the most pleasant of exchanges. It was very informative and useful. Of course for Miss Emily gathering information and using interview skills is essential, but also for me, the process of preparing to let go is valuable. You see I took her to a college night at the local community college where all the colleges and universities had their reps, and brochures, and I almost completely lost it. That was a suprise! We have both looked forward to this part of our journey together but now that its here, I am freaked out. Its going to be a thing, just like losing the dog! One morning I will wake up and she will be gone, hopefully not too far away! Anyway I am getting into practise mode, with her. We will make several trips and look at schools and then by this time next year God willing she will be in college.  I really like FSU, the professors were really great that we talked to, but its a big school and I am wary of that for my precious.

I am also really wanting to check out Chicago, and possibly France or New York. LOL! For real... I met an artist the other day who has a foundation in France and he takes on apprentices, I could see that for Emily, she is a budding artist and musician, and she would benefit from a small guided experience in France, that would be absolutely perfect for her. She is at a crossroads, she will be fine I know, its all good. She is also thinking about modeling, and she has the physique and talent for it... I can see that she will have an exciting life!

Today I am grateful for the life that lives me, and I feel perfectly at home, at home! I am going to go work out, and write today, and do some chores. No plans for tonight.

Today is Sunday Oct, 11, 2009

What a great day! My friend and sponsor Lisa picked up her 15 year chip this morning! AWESOME! We went to Busters. Great way to start the day. I am so grateful to know her and to be a part of that community. Very good meeting, met some awesome people today too!

Then home to do laundry, dishes, and practice a little, I am playing tonight at Cabana Cafe. Gonna play some new songs for a live recording.... YAY!  I also fixed up Fudge's grave a bit, mixed in some portting soil with the sand and planted some wildflower seeds, painted the wooden cross that Greg put there with his name.  Its a happy little corner of the garden now. I miss him!

Then me and Lisa went to the beach. We do live in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Just wanted to share my beautiful day, and say YAY what a gorgeous day.

Today is Thurs Oct 8, 2009

I buried my dog this morning. I knew this day would come, and so it did. He was 15 years old. He was a great great dog. I am so happy that he waited for me to be with him when he died. We spent the day yesterday cleaning out the garage. He was old, but good. He had a little trouble getting up sometimes, but yesterday he was just fine for a 15 year old dog, thats 94 in Dog years? He watched me drag everything out of the garage, and climb up on the ladder and lift heavy boxes, and sweat. He liked it when I dragged that old carpet out of there, cause it was NASTY! I swept and sorted and dumped stuff out all day long, and he wandered around with me just happy to be with me!

I have been having coffee with him this past few mornings, usually I just check his water and pat him a few times and head off into my day. I wondered how it would go, I didn't want to have him suffer and get really horrible, and incontinent, and really he didn't. I couldn't take the dog hair any more, he shedded unbelievably, and I am allergic. So I had banished him to the back yard and the garage for the past month. I felt bad about that, but the alternative was really bad for me. He was horribly stinky, and had a licking problem and really really bad breath. But he was the best dog in whole world. He really loved us. We really loved him too.

His death was good. He was already in agonal breathing when I found him this morning. His heart was pounding in his chest, he was laying in the sand next to the hole that he had dug for himself a month or so ago.  He couldn't lift his head and his breathing was labored and slow, in tandem with his pounding heart. I sat with him, and we shared a tear filled two hours of praying, crying and singing. I told him what a great dog he was. I wasn't sure how long it would take, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to lift him into the car. And I knew that this was his time. I dedicated this day to being with him no matter how long it would take. Eventually his heart beat slowed, and his breathing stopped. I am not sure if his heart had stopped too, but he tried to keep breathing, he couldn't open his throat muscles, he couldn't use his diaphragm, but he did try, he showed me how precious life is. Even at the very end, he didn't want to go. He wagged his tail a little, and he shuddered a few times. I held him and soothed him, and watched him let go. I have not ever seen that before. I missed my mom's death and my sisters death. It was peaceful tho. He went home to God. I am grateful that he was with me all these years. He was the very best dog ever.

I got the shovel and finished the hole he had started and laid him to rest. Good bye my friend Fudge.

Hello Wolrd!

Today is Weds, Oct 7, 2009

I am happy today! Had a great recording session yesterday at Playground! A new song always lifts my spirits!! Its working I think... all this positive thinking! It must I say it must! And it does. I found myself sitting on the couch in the control room... Wow! Let me rephraze that! I put myself on the couch in the control room and had  the awareness to prepare myself for a successful result. I stoppped the negative tapes from even being cued up. I admitted to myself silently that this is what I do, this is who I am, and I am ready to accept praise gracefully, and just let Gods love flow thru me. NEXT....!;)

This is a nice color!

Today is October 6, 2009 in case you were wondering!

So... I played at Funky Blues Shack in Baytowne last night. I got invited to their open mic in a bulk myspace invitation and decided since I hadn't been out there that I would check it out. It was very cool. The stage is nice, big and high, great sound system. Its really really appreciated when bar owners put top facilities in their establishments for us players. That right there is a good enough reason for me to go out and play. So thank you Chuck! I enjoyed my eight or so song set. Me and Ben took turns chopping thru originals in a guitar pull kind of way, while the bar started to fill up with other players.I did good. I noticed the kitchen staff popping their heads out the kitchen door to see who I was, thats always a good sign. I loved it. I was very comfortable, and centered in myself. I felt like a soldier again, out on the front lines or working in the trenches. My voice and style were well recieved and I was happy to be there. Ben Friedman, the host, was very nice and accompanied me on his electric and I played his Taylor. I played two new songs, "Bird in my Ribcage" and "Somebody Waiting"...they went over very well. Did a slowed down version of "Talk to Me" which I have not recorded yet, and it was very cool.  After a while I felt like a stage hog, so I retired to a stool in the back for a song or so and let the youngins do their thing. After all thats what its all about anyway! They are so cute. I forget how old I am. They must really be freaked out by this fifty year old lady who gets up and basically blasts thier doors off. I hope its not humiliating. But if it is, God knows I have been humbled way down myself. I am at this point of my life as a matter of fact. Its almost borderline humilating that I even go to open mics, but I DO! And the reason I do is cause I get asked to, and I can do whatever the heck I want to and leave whenever I want.

Yesterday was a day of sticking up for myself. Several people tried to rain on my parade, and altho I am not yet able to just let it roll off with a peaceful zen like forgiving smile, I didn't take it into my psyche. I will not let anyone influence my opnion of myself or where I am at NOW in my life. So. I notice what they say, and I respond by ignoring them or hanging up on them, or in emails I state my case as any ordinary deserving human  being. Any way it didn't feel bad at all. I felt absolutely nothing but protective of my self all day. I guess it didn't feel bad cause I didn't allow their negative comments any power. I said, "Nope, not gonna go there today!"

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but thats ok. I trust that its gonna be good. We live in a rich textured world, and I have been thru alot of down stuff, so of course the good stuff will come around again.

It was a good day! I worked out, came home and recorded a new somg on my computer in just a few takes. Drove the kid to school for her last period class (!)I got meyself to a job interview, I know that is the wrong thing to do but I did it for everyone else. I got there late tho and they wouldn't interview me! I am hopeless in that department! So I went home and did laundry, vacuumed and mopped the floor. Made dinner and then went out to play.

Sorry folks, but I just can't drag myself to get a job. I am what I am. I am not a waitress anymore, I am not going to manage a clothing store, work in retail or whatever. I know what I am and I am not that. God will find me a way to support myself and my kid. Besides, she's old enough to get her own job now, and if she wants minutes for her cell phone, or make-up or new clothes she will have to do that. I am providing the basics with Greg and Gods help, and thats truly all I can manage.

Today is Tues, Sept 29, 2009

I had a great session at Playground Recording Studio yesterday... layed down the "road maps" for two new songs with Clayton and Jim Lancaster in the control room. I also brought in my drive with lots of stuff on it. It is looking real good for a new cd to come out of this hopefully by spring! I think its gonna be great, happy to be in a cool place in all respects, physically, musically and spiritually...

Soul City... hmm might have to write that one!

From the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, pg 68:

"So do not be concerned with the fruit of your action - just give attention to the action itself. The fruit will come of its own accord. This is a powerful spiritual practice. In the Bhagavad Gita, one of the oldest and most beautiful spiritual teachings in existence, nonattachment to the fruit of your action is called Karma Yoga. It is described as the path of "consecrated action".

When the compulsive striving away from the NOW ceases, the joy of Being flows into everything you do. The moment your attention turns to the NOW, you feel a presence, a stillness, a peace. You no longer depend on the future for fulfillment and satisfaction - you don't look to it for salvation. Therefore you are not attached to the results. Neither failure nor success has the power to change your inner state of Being. You have found the life underneath your life situation.".....

HAPPY MONDAY!!! Sept 21, 2009

Today I am having a great day! Hope you do as well!

Monday Sept 14, 2009

So yesterday we went to the beach. It was the most beautiful day. I continued my practice from the day before. It went very well yesterday I might add... I stayed in my conscious practice of love and energy emanating from my heart into every moment that I could possibly stay aware of. I realized that there were two levels of consciousness relating to this practice. One is physical, the awareness of the posture of my body. The other is mental, the awareness of the flow of love, the mindful direction of love energy. As I practiced, I noticed  that the two steps merged into one. The awareness of my posture, became the precursor to the awareness of my energy flow. In other words, just by reminding my body to sit up straight and project my heart the awareness of the reason behind this action was automatic. The result was the same without having to remind my self to send love energy. Simply by maintaining my posture, my reaction from the natural world was the same. I discovered this at the beach yesterday with Greg.

He has the absolute worst posture in the world. His shoulders are always in a permanent c curve, and his energy is low and depressed. I have pleaded with him many times to straighten up and this day I decided to show him what I had been doing. I told him about my day the day before, and he was open to practicing. So there were were walking down the beach, both with our hearts out front, and shoulders dropped, erect posture. It was pretty amazing. Every person we passed smiled and said hello! He was impressed. We laughed about it and continued on in our practice. Last night when we were getting ready for bed, he came out of the bathroom with his shoulders back and his heart out front and he looked like a completely different person. He knew it too, he smiled.

I have to say that after one day of using those weak posture muscles in my back I woke up with a back ache. I noticed that the ache was worse when I did not sit up straight. It is as tho the use of these muscles pulling my spine into alignment is now the most comfortable way for me to posture myself. After only one day, which wasn't even a fully completely conscious day, meaning I was probably only aware of my posture for less than ten percent of my day, my body prefers this alignment. Two days ago my "natural alignment" was poor posture, resulting in low energy and non awareness of love in my life. Two days later my awareness of my heart, and its love energy has changed my life. My posture, and even my muscles in my core are all actively engaged with the natural world around me with one solitary focus, and that is to send the love energy inside me centered in my heart area to all the natural world all around me.  Its truly amazing. Can it be so very simple? Its my extreme pleasure to test and document this theory and report my experience! I am happy to say that I believe it to be true!

Here is a quote: "Seek joy first and all of the growth that you could ever imagine will come joyously and abundandlty unto you."

Sat. Sept 12, 2009

this morning I started my day with yoga. About twelve minutes into my practice I got an overwhelming urge to go for a walk. So I did! It had been raining, which is why I did yoga instead. But right then it was not raining and it was quite pleasant outside so off I went.  I ran a little, walked alot, until I was a little tired. I am not in the best of shape physically right now. I have been skipping yoga, and I am no longer working except for on my music and around the house, plus I have not smoked for three months. So when the bod tells me to go for a walk, I go!

It has cooled off a little and you can feel fall in the air. Its very subtle here, but more noticiable when it has rained. Our Florida landscape just loves the rain. You can see how happy the plants and animals are when it rains. We really really need it. All of life here in FL needs rain. Every bit of life attached to the sand, the plants, the birds, the bugs the animals, and us as well. I really enjoyed the plants as I walked beside them on my way. I made my way briskly to a little park off of Main Street, where there is a little pier. I walked out and sat on the bench.  I kept my yoga posture, and was gently reminded of a few things.

I wish to be lived by this life. Its such a remarkable journey. I wish to be used by God's will and God's love. I remembered my trip to Chicago and how practicing loving really made a huge difference in my life. It was the first time I had ever consciously bowed to the feelings of happiness within me, and just let them go toward whomever I was with. It had a real physical effect, an undenyably obvious effect on people, and I decided to spend this day practicing loving the world and everything in it. As I sat on the bench on the pier, the moment I made this conscious decision, the fish started jumping. I laughed and was reminded of Saint Francis of Assisi, and the stories I had heard about how his joy was felt by wildlife, and the wild life would flock to him. As I sat there, the birds that I had startled off by my arrival returned and got back to their noisy hunting in the shallow reed filled waters surrounding the pier.

This is how I do it: Sit erect, shoulders dropped, heart extended, vertebrae stacked and tall. Focus on my heart. Notice that the heart is already full of love. Love for the world, the grass, the trees, even the house that sits empty across the bayou that I have fantasized will be mine someday! Yes I do love that house and I can see myself in it! I can see myself exactly as I wish to be, and I know from experience that I am having a real effect on my world, because I have seen it before. I have seen the effect of silent and projected love on the world, on another life form, on the water, on the sky even. I know the power of love. This is the treasure that God has given us, and this is the reason Jesus asks us to love each other. It takes practice, and This is my day to practice!

Sitting there quietly, just loving everything around me, I notice that it is time to go now. So I get up and I walk towards my home. As I am walking the rain begins to resume. I hear it first, I don't feel it! I hear it hitting the leaves, the sidewalk, the trees etc, and I think, hmmmm... I would like to feel the rain now too, and then I do. I asked the rain to fall on me too, it immediately does. I am still in my practice. As I pass other joggers on the street, they smile and say hello. The cars that pass me actually wave at me, I am not kidding! I am walking home and consciously practicing being led by my heart. I have asked my heart to lead me, to enter every space in front of me before I physically enter that space. It was quite pleasant. I feel the air cool down even further and I am so grateful. This is much better than doing yoga in my little spare bedroom, even tho I do have it set up nicely and have a great new chinese bamboo flute and bird song music to practice to. This is much better, walking among the living, the natural world. I am being used by life.

Thurs, Sept 10, 2009

Last night I went to the jam at Bluz in Destin. Its my Weds night thing to do and its looking like its becoming alot of Destin folks Weds night thing to do! I like to think, in fact I know its because of the social networking we are doing on Facebook, in tandem with Michael Loftis Photography. Of course the entertainment is the attraction, but dang if promotion really doesn't have a whole ton of what to do with how fast it catches on and how big the crowd gets! The great thing is, that this has started organically. With the right talent in the right venue and in the right spot here on Earth. I think its gonna get even bigger. I am proud and happy to be a part of it!

I was late getting there last night as it seems that the only night of the week that my teenage daughter wants to talk to me is of course Weds night. Hmmmmm.... Murphy's Law?! Probably its something more sinister like her brain picking up signals that Mom is actually doing something... what can it be? "She's taking a shower! She's putting on hip clothes, sometimes mine... she's actually putting on make-up... I have to get in there and get in her face and participate in some way.... yeah.... I need to talk about going off to college next year.... what do I want to be.... I need to talk about homework....I need to talk about Art, Music, Math, the movie I saw last weekend, my friends.... I need bla bla bla bla bla bla...." Aren't I terrible? But its for real. She has no use for me at all any other day of the week, except when I have somewhere to go.  I am over compensating a bit tho. I do spend Wednesdays doing chores and cleaning, cooking and making up for the fact that I AM GOING OUT TONIGHT TO DO WHAT I WANT TO DO for a change. LOL

So I was pretty late. When I got there Gwen Hall and Kathy Lyon, my soul sisters were up on stage, with a new sister! She is beautiful. Her name is Joyce Ann.  The place was full as well. Biggest crowd in a while, like I said a little PR goes a long way. The usual suspects participating in the jam... Ed Mo hosting, pumping a blue fender bass, Fritz in a seventies get up. I think he was wearing his Dad's shoes. They matched his Hawaiian shirt. They were snakeskin multicolored with tassles. Fritz's Dad was a very cool cat. At first I thought they were cowboy boots, but that is something you would never see on Fritz.  They were long square toed. I was sure they were boots until the tassles popped out. Then they screamed 70's loud and clear.

Snakeskin, tassles, yellow, orange and brown hmmmm. Ever since Michael Loftis started snapping away with his camera every Weds night at Bluz, the place has really put on its shine. The girls are dressing up, even I am wearing makeup on Weds nights. The jammers are puttin on the ritz. Cool hats, sparkly shirts and snakeskin shoes. Its kinda fun!

I opened the second set with a song that is banned from the club at the owners request!! There is actually a laminated sign on the stage next to the board with a list of songs that are not allowed. I kicked it off by saying, "Boog" (thats the owners name), "this one's for you!" and we launched off into Mustang Sally. The crowd jumped and the dancefloor filled and Boog and the bar tenders groaned, but it was appropriate in my humble opinion. We had Fly on sax and Tom on the hammond, a great drummer of course Ed mo and Fritz, its a blues jam, folks want to dance. Girls want to shout "ride Sally ride" and shake their asses in their tight sparkly get ups, I mean lets get real! The crowd dug it and thats what I'm there for. Its not fun unless its fun. Especially coming up from a break, you have to do something to get the party started... :)

Boog forgave me, I think. I mean he didn't run me out of the place. Next we did Tupelo Honey.  Beautiful song, Fritz sang it and me and Fly did the BGV's and it was sweet as honey from a bee. Then we ended with Dear Prudence, just cause me and Fritz sing great harmonies and its a total feel good tune. I was happy. 

Fly Dent, thats his real name, played the snot out of his sax. He is a master and treated us to a scorching sax slam cover of Mister Magic.  And of course my new favorite man, Lynwood Cherry came out from behind the drums and did an awesome version of "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone". He is such a showman.

Kathy and Gwen did alot of singing this week, making up for MIA Ike Barkley.... they were smokin' hot as usual.  And our newest diva soul sister Miss Joyce Ann, did a SWEET version of God Bless the Child, an old Billie Holiday song. She is so beautiful and strong and crystal clear and sweet in her delivery and the band tip toed right behind her and sealed it with a big fat kiss in a solid ending punctuated by our new songbird's blushing flight from the stage to a big happy round of applause from the patronage. She made pappy Ed Mo proud as he announced it was her first time to the jam.

The end of the night was Ronnie Sessum with a few players he brought in from Panama City. He has a record out now on Blues Destiny Records, a local label owned and produced by David Cox of Destin Recording. What a range of talent we have here in our little town. Its very cool. Yeah, its small but there is definitely something for everyone. Ronnie is our resident guitar feedback behind the head, whammy bar guy who looks really cool on stage and actually has a sound of his own. Its refreshing to see a place that nurtures the artist within us all, giving us a place to go and play and grow and mature and maybe just shake your sparkly ass. There was a girl with a tiara on, that counts for something too I think. There were a few folks shooting video as well. I would not be surprised if Bluz Weds nite Jam becomes a real You Tube sensation.

Also I have to mention that Boog is the coolest owner operator! He was running the stage lights last night too, and actually hand held a huge multicolored laser spot on the dancefloor at one point. The moment was mesmerizing! Hey the food is pretty good too. I saw Boog deliver an "all white" pizza to Michael Loftis at my table, it looked and smelled delicious! Oh and Boog, I do apologize for Mustang Sally, but there is no excuse for flashing the stage with your "Boog" scrawled briefs at the end of the night. I guess tho, that if we didn't do Mustang Sally maybe you wouldn't have had the opportunity to show us your butt with that new underwear labeled in bright blue beachy walmart T-shirt fashion at just the right point in time that evening! It was almost as mesmerizing as the fantastic lighting display!

Aug 28, 2009

I love my life! I worship at my temple on long walks on the beach, and while I am swimming in the gulf. I revel in the miracles that come to me everyday that I am still here when alot of my friends and family are not. I don't waste time wishing for what could be... I put it out there and if it happens I am thrilled. If not, I accept it and I move on. There is too much goodness and happiness in my life thankfully, for me to get bogged down too long on the other side. When challenges arise I seek to learn from them. I don't wish anyone anything but love. Yes I get down, but not for long. And I have learned how to get myself back up again! I feed the happy healthy wolf inside me and pet her. The lonely and frustrated wolf does get my love too, I love her but I let her know that I prefer her happy sister wolf, and most times she lays down beside me on her best behavior, she rolls over and begs for me to scratch her belly. I give in, but only after she understands that she has everything she needs to be happy and healthy right inside her already.

Aug 28, 2008

I just love her! I can't wait to read the new book, "the Vortex". I am also always rereading the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, and here is an except that I just LOVE LOVE LOVE...... enjoy!

From the Power of Now pg 68:

"So do not be concerned with thte fruit of your action - just give attention to the action itself. The fruit will come of its own accord. This is a powerful spiritual practice. In the Bhagavad Gita, one of the oldest and most beautiful spiritual teachings in existence, nonattachment to the fruit of your action is called Karma Yoga. It is described as the path of "consecrated action".

When the compulsive striving away from the NOW ceases, the joy of Being flows into everything you do. The moment your attention turns to the NOW, you feel a presence, a stillness, a peace. You no longer depend on the future for fulfillment and satisfaction - you don't look to it for salvation. Therefore you are not attached to the results. Neither failure nor success has the power to change your inner state of Being. You have found the life underneath your life situation.".....

It goes on and its well worth reading, but without reading any of the book, out of context I am afraid I would not be inspiring the interest it deserves. The next few paragraphs tho sum it up completely and I am reading them every day!! 

Another thing I am doing is greeting the day each day as suggested by Deepak Chopra in his book, The Book of Secrets. Its a practice that many people around the world do... before dawn in alot of cases, before the day actually starts or as the day is starting. If I am lucky (and I have to admit I am pretty darned lucky!!) I wake up just before dawn and I am glad to greet the day. I lie in my bed and listen to the sounds. The silence... and I sit with this brand new day just being born and I welcome it! I don't think about anything at all, just how great it is to be here with the start of a brand new day! Who knows what the day will bring! I listen to the birds waking up, and I see the first light of dawn and just say thanks for another beautiful day! I don't worry about anything, I stay in the NOW, and stay in the empty moments just before anything happens at all and I know that all is well, and I feel like I know a GREAT BIG FAT SECRET! Its a nice way to start your day!

Thurs Aug 27th, 2009

Monday Aug 24, 2009

Its the first day of school for Miss Emily! She is starting her senior year YAY! Typically it seems that just when I am getting it together its almost over... lol! The weather is beautiful. We had a cool front drop down and take away the humidity, so its perfectly gorgeous out there! Had a nice weekend, cooked with friends and went to the beach all weekend! I am brown.

Got put on a KISS FM thing... coolness! I love KISS FM! I sent that in last November, and it just showed up. Funny how that works! Its like it was there all along, front to back, beginning to end, start to finish...

http://www.kiss1035.com/new2/artists/i/216111?psid=267465

so thats cooool....

Things are rolling along, been shedding with some new tunes. Shared them with some folks over the weekend, and also ran them past some studio types, all is well and good. I have to buckle down and go ahead and commit to recording them...

This time I want a little input. I do have some great ideas, but I want to work with other people. I am leaving room for that to happen. I am very impatient right now, rip ready to go but not moving... holding back for some reason... I know it will all come together when its supposed to. Meantime I will just write write write! The new stuff is AWESOME< not really country much more POP, Adult Contemporary... sorta John Mayer ish, Bonnie Raitt, Sheryl Crow ish.... organic. Definitely not meant for country radio... Sorry! No its not accoustic belly button lint girl singer/songwriter, its more James Taylor meets Elvis Costello woman style. Of course I could be totally off base in my definition, but thats what I think right now, and its still all in my head.

Weds Aug 19, 2009

I forget sometimes and go on autopilot. Its the most annoying thing. I forget how lucky I am to be here, and how wonderful this world is and how blessed I am that I have a passion for something. Today I remember all of the above and I am thankful. Grateful.

Sunday Aug 16, 2009

Happy Birthday Emily! She's 17 today. Thats unreal but real!! Man what a trip to have a kid 17 years ago... thats so remarkable. I adore her. One of the few people on earth and yes the one I adore more than anyone else on the planet... my little bucket head.

SO this is the year I HAVE to get it all together... and thats whats eating me! I have all her toys, homework assignments, momentoes, pictures and yes, even our family dog is still with me, us, and I have to deal with all of it. Starting with the dog.

He is so loving and such an excellent pet. The best dog ever! We got two of them from Moe West (Dotties son) when we lived in an old trailer out in the woods 45 miles south of Nashville. We lived on an old country road next to a cemetery. But I will write all about that later on. We lost one pup to a hit and run driver, I was awakened from a dead sleep and saw it happen in my mind. This was at dawn on a Sunday morning. I went back to sleep (I have always worked at night) and when I got up I went out and found him. His name was Sunny. He was a big fluffy yellow lab mutt, and Fudge, his brother saw it happen, and he was never the same after that... Always a little sad.

So anyway Fudge never ever wandered except for one time. He did get laid. He was gone for about three days once and when he came home, he just rolled in the leaves, in the autumn sun... all skinny and happy.  He was our porch dog, our guard dog, our doorbell. The best dog ever.

Now he is 14 and still the best dog ever, but he has trouble getting up now, and altho I have taken to letting him in the house for his golden years, he is starting to smell pretty awful. I am almost certain he is deaf and he is close to being totally blind. He loses his sight when he smells food I know cause he still goes nuts for handouts. And you can not give him handouts because he will bite your hand off. Not because he is mean, but because he is a living garbage disposal. He goes nuts around any kind of food. Its so overpowering that he loses sight, and just sniffs till he finds it. God love him.

We all love him. Everybody loves my dog. He is the best dog ever. I have been blessed with him protecting us for 14 yrs, and his time is close at hand. I think I will take him to Burger King and then for a swim in the bay this week. He deserves it. Those are two of his favorite things to do.

So I am having to grow up alot too this year. Got to put the dog to sleep, got to organize a truckload of stuff for Miss Emily and get her into college. That is my wish for her, but she may just decide to go into music like I did. Jeez, I hope not but its up to her. I am thinking Belmont University in Nashville, she is hoping FSU, who knows at this point but it weighs on me. Its going to be just as hard on me as it is on her this year.  An exersize in letting go and having big time faith.

For the most part she has always been an extension of me, I have never had to worry. But she is not that anymore, she is most certainly her own self and she is awesome. I wish I didn't worry about her but I have to work on that BIG TIME! I know she belongs to the Universe and that she is going to be fine... and she doesn't listen to a word I say anyway...

ho hum

She is the best kid ever thats for sure.

Sat. Aug 15, 2009

Holy smokes! I got China! I was just checking my stats, and there it was... people in China are looking at my stuff... awesome. So I put a hello and welcome character on the front page!

I sure wish I could release some new stuff! I have a ton and hope soon to get it out there!

Meantime, just have to settle for my words of wisdom in the form of this here journal.... :)

So the flavor today is this image of making my consciousness softer... an easier climb.

No more harsh judgement, rut thinking, frustration. My awareness is soft and calm.

"Seek joy first and all the growth that you could ever imagine will come joyously and abundantly unto you"

Love has no definition, it cannot be defined.  There is no beginning and there is no end. No judgement, no expectation. I visualize myself as an instument, like a flute with no top or bottom, just a tube thru which the stream flows, or like a handle on a zip line.... An easy climb in that I offer no resistance, no thought of ownership or ego. I seek the stream. When I find it, I allow it to flow thru me and be used by it. An easy climb because I have dropped all my definitions and so its not a climb at all. When I hold on to the past or have judgements about people, or things, I am putting roadblocks up, to become obstacles in the flow... and that makes it a climb for the joystream to reach or use me. So today I am consciously dropping all expectation and just living in the flow. Now all that exists is the real me and the flow.  I am reading The Book of Secrets by Deepack Chopra. I love it!

HMMMM after reading that my first thought is, am I the instrument or am I the stream? OH! Ok, it depends on what I want to be! If I am asked I am the stream, my reply is "How may I serve you". If I am asking I am the instrument.... (Thats when the Universe asks me how it may serve me!) awesome!

Thurs Aug 13.

I am in love with life! Wrote a new song, and played at Bluz with Fritz and Ed MO last night. They are awesome! I am happy. Went to the beach today with Emily. Lately we've been floating on our yellow raft. We both rest our arms and shoulders across it and just float. The topic of conversation has been therapy... it has opened a door for discussion and it has really really helped. She is talking  :)  !! She knows... we both are a little apprehensive about "launching" her. She is turning 17 on Sunday and this will be her senior year at Fort Walton Beach High School. Gosh time has just flown by. Today I said, "Let me practice launching you!" and I slid off the raft and pushed her out to sea!

She smiled and tried to climb up on the raft and fell off a few times laughing. Finally she got herself situated on it and just drifted, eyes closed, under the sun across the emerald waves. I stood by and towed her back out a bit when she got pulled into the surf and I shoved her back out a little farther. She loved it! She felt very safe and loved and I just stood by and watched almost sleepily, like a well fed lion keeps a half glazed eye on the horizon.

Weds. Aug 12, 2009

 Happy Day! I am grateful today! I have made some awesome progress! I am sober for almost three years, I have quit smoking for over two months, and I am doing yoga three days a week! Thats huge for me, and really for anyone! If I can do it you can do it too! Yup~ you can change your life! How?

I decided that I could, thats how. I reached the end of one path and changed course. I was sooo ready to get out of the old habit and into the new. The physical side of it, followed the emotional. The emotional side always comes first. You must make up your mind to  change. When you do that then the physical change comes automatically. And you must truly truly believe that you can do it. It is not difficult. There is a ton of help out there. Support groups everywhere, yoga classes everywhere... I can do it books everywhere for free at the library. I have chosen that I do not wish to live in a depressed state, I seek enlightenment. I seek to be useful by the Universe. How may I serve? Right now I can serve by telling you who are reading this that YES YOU CAN... YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE AND I AM LIVING PROOF!

Monday aug. 10th 2009

So happy Monday!

went to yoga this morning, it was awesome. I am grateful for a great yoga class at the beach. Today we had a sub teacher from australia... she was good!

After I went swimming in the gulf which was beautiful emeral green and turquoise crystal clear and warm. Spent a lot of time just floating.  I had to crow about how lovely it was!

I came home and wrote a little, and cleaned my kitchen and mopped the floors.

Then I had to grieve a bit about Chicago, had many vivid dreams about the city of big shoulders. I want to cry on those big shoulders today. I miss it sooo much. My dreams were all about letting the past go... and now I see how wonderful the present is. I have made it. I am living a charmed life and I am grateful. I will return there someday... hopefully soon and it will be all brand new for me. No more dreams of trying to find my mothers house, she's been gone for 10 years now... maybe I will set up my own house... YEAH~!

August 6th, 2009

It takes me a few days but I finally figured it out! The feeling that I had last week during a little meditation... I was just sending love out into the universe. I was focused and just sent love. Its been almost a dream consciousness, this past few months. Little things appear in front of me and actually knock on my brain like.."HELLO!!" People have actually put things right in front of me that they could not possibly know on a recognized level, meaning we have never discussed this thing that I need in my life but here you are putting it right in front of me, and thank you very much! So there's that... and then the appearance of the feeling of absolute heaven...

okok.. so back to my meditation. I meditate... send love... and then I just exist in nothing.Letting go... No thought, no expectation almost asleep. And my inner phone rang, and lit me up like a Christmas tree. I actually got much bigger love back. To me this means that yes, we are all connected. There is no such thing as not knowing, we all know, but some of us are becoming aware of knowing that we are all one.  So I am so grateful for this answer from the Universe and I want to learn how to repeat it. I want to live in it.

A few days after that I experienced this huge awakening to beauty. I was in New Orleans when it I became aware of it. Totally sober walking down Bourbon Street, and everything became scintillating. The drunks, the whores, the young folks looking for fun, the doormen, even the buildings. They all started to glow, in unbelieveable color, like that high def commercial on tv. I experienced it.  I mentioned it to my friend several times, that I couldn't believe how beautiful everything was. This experience hasn't really left me, altho I have become used to it so its a shift in my level of perception. Now that was almost a week ago...

Thats how long it takes me to decode it. I can now name it, as an awakening similar to the experience that Eckhart Tolle describes in the first chapter of the Power of Now. For me it didn't happen immediately and after re reading the book a few times, I get that it doesn't always happen right away, and also you may not realize it as what it is. I am just now documenting it for what it is for the first time.

So grateful today that I quit smoking... that is a biggie. I pray that everyone quits, especially those I know personally. I learned yesterday that a very good friend died of lung cancer recently and we didn't even know she was ill. It took her within 2 weeks of being diagnosed, leaving her husband and daughter. Its ok, I know she's in a better place, but my greedy human nature wants everyone to be with us here all the time in the human form so we can laugh and dance and love our physical lives! REALLY ENJOY BEING HERE NOW!! That I could finally quit (its been almost two months) is totally awesome.

I need to find another job, or learn how to exist without a real go to work somewhere just for money job. I really think thats a total waste of time, and I know it in my heart but as the English say, the longest journey is from the heart to the head... or is it the other way? But honestly... so if it takes me so much time to realize that this is all a trip like Alice in Wonderland... why does anything have to be a struggle or hard at all. It Doesn't. Its all up to us. It is what it is, and that is exactly what we MAKE it to be.

God I love life.

August 3rd, 2009

Hard Journal: 08/03/09
I am so thankful that I have been able to quit smoking. It has changed my life. I am now able to keep up with my yoga, and actually do all the chatarangas. Its amazing. I have balance and more strength. I also see that this will lengthen my life. I was really excited about that, but then I realized that most all my friends are aging and looking rather ill. Not all, but a few that I have been really focusing on. Maybe its my job to pray for them and encourage them in particular to get inspired to make the changes as well. Life will not be so much fun without them here too. Whats the point of living forever if all your friends die? That’s the problem with being a vampire!
OK… so I dig a little deeper, and see that the challenge now is to do something with the extra time I am given. Like I said whats the point? Is there always a point?! You betcha… except when there’s not a point then its break time which is most definitely equal in value to work time. Gosh my whole life has changed so much over the past few years! Especially this last year. I feel like I have awakened, like I am now really alive. I see things totally differently. I see beauty everywhere, and I appreciate it. Its almost as though it recognizes me and shows off just for me. Beauty is winking, flirting with me everywhere. I am most grateful and a huge fan of hers. I am in love with her.to believe its already August!   

Just got back from a great weekend in New Orleans with my long time friend and musical partner Mickey Adams. He is so great! He drove from Dallas and me from Destin and we met in the french quarter. I have jammed there many times, but this was the first time I set out with my car packed with a p.a. in it just to do the french quarter. It was a gas. I don't think Mickey thought I was serious, but we made it happen. Me, I would have played all day and night but Mickey gets bored real easy! So we only played a few hours at the most the whole weekend. It was enough tho! He's awsome. Great guitar player and singer. Knows all the stuff... and then some. He kicked my butt in those two hours. The rest of the time we just strolled around and talked and hung out. Sight saw, shopped for funny hats and ate. We stopped into Harrahs and he won a little money. I am happy we did that... it was really fun.

Now back to business! I have got to get it together to record these new songs that are coming to me fast and furious. I have written like 5 new ones in the last month, and have many more popping up like weeds. No, like wildflowers! They are all very beautiful and I am inspired. Life is good my friend, and if you don't think so, then you need a dream to pursue, so that you can see how much the world loves you.  

July 14, 2009

Today is my birthday. I am officially over the hill... :) Its actually a good thing. No more time wasted accumulating wealth, trying to manipulate humanity with my charm, wittiness and good looks, no more sweating the small stuff, or big stuff... If I sweat at all its because I want a work out. A conscious choice for the most part, except for the occasional hormone deal, when I just accept that and say to myself, this is what it feels like to be moving toward the other side of that hill and this too shall pass. I have been thinking about who I really am. Not my physical being, but the thing under that. The thing that makes my legs move, that makes the decisions move my body. I feel like I am finally me, the real me. No doubt about it. I feel free. Now I see that it was well worth the struggle to find myself, and how cool...here I was all along!

I see too that love has no mirror image. There is no other side to it, it just is.  No more fear that there is not enough. Its kind of like the tooth fairy in that I expect it to be there, under the pillow, but I don't even have to put a tooth there, its always there. There is no not there. Its a never ending thing, how can there be an opposite? It is never defined. It just IS WHOA I better lay off the pipe (just kidding!).

June 30, 2009

A little more cheeeeeez please!

June 29, 2009

Just got back from Chicago and Nashville. Had a great great time. Emily and I drove up to Indiana and she stayed with her dad for ten days, I went on to Chicago. Then we went to Nashville where I attended a songwriters workshop and we visited friends. What a wonderful trip! I didn't think it could get any better than my visit to Chicago, but Nashville was amazing as well. Emily was only 2 when we moved there. We spent 8 years there, and had alot of reminiscing going on. We lived way out in the country, someday I will write a book about our lives.

Now all her little friends, who I met when they were in diapers, are grown and getting ready to go off to college. Its really something! We both felt very blessed and grateful for the times we have lived thru and things we did, how we lived, and friends we made. We stopped in on quite a few. Everyone is happy and healthy and it was uplifting to greet them again! We are happy and healthy too and I am proud of my girl, even tho its been a rough couple of years (her being a hormonal teenager and all). Of course she would most definitely say the same, me being mean old mom AND homronal AND a list of many other grievances! But the good news is that I got to share this journey with my friends and family, all of whom have TEENAGERS. It really really helps to know that we are not alone, her in her mom hating and me in my frustration.

My music seminar in Nashville was really cool. Met a few good writers, and got reveiwed by 6 different publishers. I put it out there and got some great feedback. Emily sat in on some of it too and we both learned alot of useful information. Its very cool to be able to sit with 30 songwriters and pick apart the process, analyze songs and what makes them work in country music... but at the end of it all we all realize that there is something thats just magic about writing. We all know it comes from a special place that cannot be analyzed or marketed. Everyone has access to this place, and in my opinion its where creation exists... so go figure that one out!

I feel good today as a writer, and I love love love writing music.

Sunday June 21, 2009

First official day of summer, I am here in Chicago. Actually in my hometown, Lake Forest. Sooo beautiful. Yesterday me and my best friend from highschool walked to the beach and sunned for a few hours. I love love love it here. I have missed it all my life and I want to be here, and hey here I am! Took Em to Indiana to be with her dad, and I am here for 10 days. Then back to FL, but first a stop in Nashville.

New mixes! Hot dog! I dropped in on a friend Jim Tullio at his new studio in Evanston. Just really wanted to say hello and check him out. He is very cool. I wasn't expecting to do any thing work wise, but his friend Gaz was there from England, he's an engineer. They are working on the John Martyn tribute record (which is going to be huge... lots of awesome artists coveriing John Martyn tunes), and as I was leaving they asked if I had any tracks, and what do you know I just happened to have like a whole catalogue on protools and a drive thingy with even more in my car. Funny co-incidence, I had given up on getting my catalogue in one place, I have tried many times, but the day I was leaving FL, I got a call from Dave at Destin Recording and he said he finally got around to dumping all my stuff from the 2" transfers onto the 2nd G-drive thingy that I have dropped off for him. That was freaky. SO... coolness. They mixed a few tunes. I was so happy I cried, I am a huge baby. I also quit smoking. Got fired from my waitress gig and have to move by July 5th!...hmmm somethings up with the universe! I love it.

Reconnecting with my friends and family here, its been wonderful. Spent a day at the Art Institute, that made me cry too. Monet, Renoir, Van Gogh. How much I miss culture and beauty. Been too long with my head in the sand. Wandered thru the beautiful gardens in Millenium Park, did the bean, and the fountain and wound up at Pizzeria Uno for dinner.

I have decided that me and my friends and my sister are a "walking chick flick"! We all have teenage kids and we are all divorced... have to tune in later for that story!

OH! New songs! I am inspired, can't wait to find a piano, I am sleep writing again. It started a few weeks ago, I actually sometimes wake myself up singing a new song. Its been so wonderful. Words and music flowing like honey from the bees....

All is well! FANTASTIC!